I thought I’d write up a list of my New Year’s Revolutions. Feck the Resolutions. If you ain’t going to change on a monthly basis you ain’t going to change on an annual basis. This nonsense of hashtag fresh start, hashtag new year new me, hashtag 2016 is my year, hashtag new body. I mean another day passed and we suddenly think it’s the beginning of our very own starring run on Broadway, let’s be realistic, there’s nothing more depressing than watching unhappy colleagues down a box of Weight Watchers cookies at lunch, throw on ill-fitting spandex and take a night course in Mandarin, you know it’s all just going to end in tears. Instead why not be like me, be happy to be mediocre and be happy with who you are, Ok maybe you are a bit soft around the edges, maybe a bit grumpy, maybe crap with money but you are alive and washed (sometimes). So why not start the year with some revolutions instead and take a leap of faith and enjoy 2016.
Here are mine;
- I would like to be meaner and hotter this year, nice guys always finish last. I’m bringing sexy back this year.
2. Get veneers, my teeth are small and kinda wonky so I’m going to make like Cheryl and get my teeth sorted.
3. Stop accepting friend requests from people I don’t know – this is odd, very needy behaviour and the work of a sociopath. Must stop.
4. I will think of a password other than “password” or “Big Willy”. I’m gonna get creative.
5. I will finally convert to Gmail from Yahoo mail. I am a multimedia Journalist yet I’m desperately holding onto my first email address. It brings back fond memories of my backpacking days and sending people long, self-involed emails about my travels. I’m moving with the times, I have a MAC and it’s 2016.
6. Stop sleeping with Chris Hemsworth because it’s getting ridiculous and exhausting.
7. Stop forgetting things. Especially the time and the day.
8. Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking – more breaks and time well spent with my colleagues.
9. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to me in 2015, get them back. Simple.
10. Read less. Learning is dangerous.
11. Have a sense of humour. Laugh at all my own jokes.
12. I will not wet the bed and blame it on my younger sister. I don’t have a younger sister. See number 11.
13. Be more honest. I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they don’t consider mine – if that smelly man sits next to me, I’ll tell him that he is smelly. This one is a work in progress.
14. Don’t eat medicine just because it looks like sweets.
15. Wear more inappropriate clothes, more colour and more fur and feck the haters. Here is my idol Leandre Medine (follow Man Repeller, it will change your life)
16. Start a blog like everybody else has – TICK.
17. Stop saying Errybody. Just stop.
Good luck with yours.